May 8, 2015
I never actually thought I’d love being a mom, or that I’d enjoy it. I still think to myself that because of the difficult transition of giving up my selfish tendencies — like being able to take longer than two minutes to put on makeup,… psht! — I wasn’t meant to be a mom. Whenever little kids would drool or be generally gross and messy, I thought ‘how could I ever co-exist with such a dirty little mongrel?!?’ I would hear things like ‘beautiful child’ when someone referred to a messy, loud, silly kid… how is that even possible to say that?! WHAT about that is beautiful? Don’t get me wrong, I understood generally what was meant and that they are a child of God, etc., but I just hadn’t yet experienced that love that washes over a mom — that can kiss a drooly face and enjoy the love, ignoring how gross it actually was! Ya know?
For a moment, let’s take it back to when I found out I was pregnant. I enjoy a good strong whiskey enfused cocktail, and late evenings of deep conversation with my husband, while we wasted away the time with not a care in the world, knowing we could sleep in the next day with absolutely no responsibilities but those we impose upon ourselves. Well, I found out I was pregnant at a time in my life when we’d honestly ‘given up’ getting pregnant after two years of hoping and wishing and trying. I thought ‘God just doesn’t think it’s my time yet…’ or ‘maybe it’s not my lot in life to mother a child’. So, we went along with our ideas of planning some romantic vacations of just the two of us and plans for fun things we’d do, like rent an RV and travel across country, going to the south pacific and staying in a hut over the turquoise sea…. you know, all those hot trips you daydream about with your husband! When I found out I was pregnant, I CRIED. I cried partly because I was relieved that God finally decided it was my time (OBViously), but also because I was feeling quite selfish in that moment. I cried knowing I was going to have to give up myself… not entirely, of course,… but, I have sisters and they have young children, and I know that it’s not all rainbows and kitty cats with a new baby. During the whole pregnancy I was almost so miserable at the end that I just wanted him OUT to meet him, but didn’t really understand what was about to happen. People give you warning about all the things that they can give examples of — but nobody can describe the LOVE that you are about to experience. The love that turns your life on it’s head! It changes your perspective on the world — on life’s situations – on so many things you never thought you’d rethink. It has made me question what God wants me to do with my life — what kind of mother He wants me to be. Heck, I even want more! This motherhood thing is addicting!
From the moment of becoming a mom, I have been changed. My selfishly motivated priorities have shifted towards a tiny smelly, 30″ tall human being. My heart has been softened, empathy, love and understanding have come over me. These little beings – children – are so innocent, so full of love, so full of wonder. I now cry at movies or things I see online about sick, mistreated, or otherwise unfortunate children that are nothing but pure, sinless souls. My heart aches with love. I don’t mean to be so churchy with this post, but the Holy Spirit has truly cleansed my spirit in becoming a mother. God knew my soul needed this — not only FOR Him, and for Bane, but for whatever he has in store for me to do in this world in the future. I was picking up his toys last week and I laughed looking at the silly little plastic bits that he looks at with complete amazement, and excitement! His laughter when I simply place a red plastic cup on my head made me cry my eyes out the other day, because his heart is SO pure, SO full of God’s love, SO full of wonder and pure, untainted happiness. He has no bias, he has no hatred, no sin whatsoever. PURE LOVE. He finds joy in a hug, in a plastic toy, in my smile in the morning, and comfort in a silky $3.99 lovie giraffe that he snuggles to sleep at night. He finds joy in chewing rubber duckies, and gets so excited when he finds them peeking from under the couch. The red ball he recognizes that makes a funny noise when it falls. I’ve finally understood what people say about dirty, smelly, drooly, poopy babies being beautiful. I’m thankful for God’s grace that I know what it FEELS like.
I am officially a softie, a lover of all beautiful little dirty smelly human beings. Here’s to all the lovers – not just mom’s of little humans! Happy Mother’s Day!